What to do if your divorce turns messy

A divorce or separation can be a distressing time, especially with emotions running high. The process is much easier to manage if both parties are amicable; however, this is not always the case.

In this Keynote, Family partner Terrence Trainor sets out five warning signs that your divorce may become messy.

1. One person has left emotionally and the other has not realised it

The greatest predictor may not be a forceful personality or demanding career. It is often the emotional gulf between the person who has processed the ending of the relationship and the person who remains bewildered, in love, or convinced that the decision can be reversed, or that the relationship should not be ending at all.

2. The proceedings become a way of preserving the relationship

Repeated disputes, correspondence, and applications can unconsciously maintain a connection. Continuing the litigation gives the person who does not want the relationship to end a reason to remain central to the other person’s life.

3. Money may represent lifestyle, security, and status – not merely arithmetic

Financial pressure affects families at every level. For one family, every pound may determine whether both households can meet their bills. For another, it may determine whether school fees, homes, and an established lifestyle can continue. When the available resources cannot sustain two households at the previous standard, conflict intensifies.

4. Infidelity or another profound betrayal has raised the emotional temperature

The financial remedies process is designed to achieve a fair financial outcome, not to determine who was responsible for the breakdown of the relationship or provide emotional vindication for perceived wrongs within it. Yet hurt and betrayal can influence every negotiation, leading someone to seek from the legal process something it was never designed to provide.

5. Separation exposes behaviour that had become normalised during the relationship

Controlling, coercive, or abusive behaviour may have become normalised within the relationship or may not have been recognised for what it was. Separation can bring the realisation that the behaviour was never normal, or cause it to escalate when one person feels that control is slipping away.

What can be done about it?

1. Do not feed the conflict

At the heart of the process are four people: the separating couple and their two lawyers. If any one of them adopts an unnecessarily combative approach, the case takes longer and costs more. Family cases can move quickly, but not every point raised requires an immediate response. Pause and ask whether another letter will advance the case or simply give the dispute more oxygen. Restraint is not weakness; it is often good strategy.

2. Build the right team

Support should come from people who bring calm and perspective rather than intensify the conflict. That may include trusted family members and friends, as well as a counsellor, financial adviser, and experienced family lawyer. Going through a separation or divorce alone is difficult, but the wrong support can make an already challenging situation considerably worse.

3. Choose your battles

Before pursuing an issue, ask what it could realistically achieve and whether the potential gain justifies the cost. Then consider whether the outcome can be enforced, particularly if assets are offshore. A larger award is not necessarily a better result if legal fees, delay, and enforcement difficulties eat away at it. The pursuit can sometimes cost more than it recovers.

4. Choose the right process

Mediation can be highly effective, but may not suit high-conflict cases or those involving concerns about abusive behaviour. A private FDR or arbitration offers structure, privacy, and a dedicated assessor or decision-maker. A private process can reach an outcome sooner and save significant sums of money: the shorter the dispute, the lower the overall cost.

If you have questions or concerns about the divorce process, please contact Terrence Trainor.